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Whole Hog

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Whole Hog
Wholehog1
Crates: 24
Collectibles: 1 Clear Gem

Whole Hog is the first secret hidden locked-room level in Crash Bandicoot. If Crashie can retrieve Dr. Neo Cortex's Skeleton Key-o'-Cortex from Sunset Vista, the path to majestic downtown Tribenople will be opened here. Of course, as should be expected, the Savage Tribenople Natives are still bitter about what the Crashicoot did to their precious native son, and so they are out to take him out once and for all, by hopping back and forth in a straight horizontal line! Scary! Fortunately, Wartie is back for an encore performance, ready to carry our marsupial acquaintance through the mild-anxiety-inducing downtown gauntlet of spiked pillars, bottomless pits right in the middle of fucking Main Street for some queer reason, and most horrifying of all, a bunch of dead Professional Wartie Impersonators non-roasting on spits! What a delightful level. :)

Mr. Bandicoot and the Two Assistants: Wartie the Warthog Gets Replaced with Some Frigid Little Bitch[]

The year was 1996. Crash Bandicoot: The Video Game had just been released to the public. Crashie was riding high on his stardom. Everybody loved him. But everybody also knew that they couldn't credit the success of the game solely to him. For the game simply would not have been the same without Detective Crashie's clever and witty assistant, Wartie the Warthog, played expertly by Connie-winning actress Wartie the Warthog, as herself. She was practically the equal co-star of the game, according to most people, but especially, according to Wartie, who was quite fond of herself.

One day, during the early, early pre-production of Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Bowls a Bunch of Strikes, Back-to-Back, Ultimately Achieving a Perfect Game and Earning a Spot on the Big Aristotle's Bowl-o-Rama Wall-o-Fame, Wartie plopped her slop-encrusted ass down on a rather luxurious leather chair in the rather luxurious office of rather luxurious Executive Producer Mark Cerny. She demanded attention. She demanded what she truly deserved. She, too, wanted a producer credit, along with a pay raise! If Andy fucking Gavin gets that, she thought, then, by fuckity, so does she! Having to turn down Wartie's request was one of the hardest decisions of Sir Knee's professional career. Unfortunately, it was just not a feasible option. Naughty Dog was already haemorrhaging money on the development of the game, for a number of reasons:

MarkCerny

Executive Producer Mark Cerny, one of the central figures in the Wartie replacement controversy. He is so fucking hot, you could literally roast a hog with his radiant sex heat. Of course, it's not an apple he'd be putting in his roast piggy's mouth!

  • Of course, there's the huge amounts of money required to bail the regularly incar-Cerny-rated Mark out of jail after his innocent attempts to innocently court innocent lasses repeatedly went awry.
  • Mark "I Was In Motherfuckin' DEVO, Goddammit!" Mothersbaugh, too, had demanded more money, a demand Marky C reluctantly caved to, hoping to get on the good side of Marky M's wife, Anita, as in Cerny's eyes she most certainly was a MILF (Mothersbaugh I'd Like to Fuck).
  • And finally, Naughty Dog hoped to keep their budget under control by storing excess cash away in a safe place. By liquefying it and injecting it into the bloodstream of Assistant Lead Analyst Anthony Gomez. Pogo-a-Go-Gomez ended up losing it all (and also, his life) when he suffered an intense bout of cerebral haemorrhaging. This visual pun was cute, but also, sort of tragic.

Cerny, sadly, rejected Wartie's request. Wartie, in turn, rejected Cerny's generous severance "package" offer. (Mark Cerny went on to sue Wartie, obviously. He lost, obviously.) Our porcine acquaintance had officially left to pursue her own career. She wanted bigger and better things. Like, um. Oreos with Double Stuff. Y'know. Rich people shit.

Meanwhile, Marcus Cernius was now unenviably tasked with the unenviable task of finding a cheap last-minute replacement for Wartie that the fans would nonetheless embrace. Such luminaries as Pura the Bland Tiger Cub (who would later join the cast of The Legend of Crashie: Troparina of Time), Harrison the Lounge Singer Ermine, and Xavier the Zoomin' Reverse Mermaid were passed over, as Mark Cerny had his eye on the greatest actor in the history of acting: Polar, then the star of the hit ABC sitcom Two Guys, a Girl, a Retarded Polar Bear, and a Pizza Place. Due to his newfound commitments to the Crashie games, Polar left the series at the end of that season; the show was retooled for the 1998 television season as, simply, Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. (The show was later renamed, again, when the Pizza Place left to pursue a career in motion pictures, such as the eternal classic, Saving Private Ryan a Couple Slices of Stuffed Crust Pizza.)

Fan response to the new Polar character was initially chilly. Fans protested. They wanted Wartie back, and they loathed Mark Cerny for ditching her. They also wanted the old theme song back. They also wanted former Assistant Lead Analyst Anthony Gomez back. Basically, the fans wanted everything to be literally the same as it was before, with nothing changed at all, because change is the work of the devil, Jarvis "Satan" Demonstein. Gradually, however, the fans warmed up to Popo's unique charms, and began to embrace his unique and quirky penchant for swallowing his tongue. They ended up forgetting their grudge against Cerny after awhile. They might've even ended up having sex affairs with their former sworn enemy. Ah, dedication...

The moral of the story, kids? Literally everyone is replaceable. Yes, even you. So, don't demand what you deserve, ever. Don't even ask politely for it. Don't even think about thinking about what you deserve. Because YOU GET NOTHING. What a heart-warming moral to warm our moral hearts. Thank you, Wartie and Polar. We've all learned something today. :)

Trivia[]

Wholehog2

Wartie the Warthog rams into a spiked pillar. She is no longer a whole hog.

  • This level's name could be a clever reference to the fact that this stage contains many holes (bottomless pits), that the hog (Wartie) can fall into if she doesn't jump over them.
  • Alternately, it could refer to the way that Executive Producer Mark Cerny consistently frustrates all the men around him by hogging (keeping entirely to himself) all the sexy ladies' holes (vaginas, anuses, mouths, et al). This is made even more true by the fact that most hogs are made of pork, a popular sex term.
  • Interestingly, this level can only be unlocked by obtaining a key from Cortex, thus implying that, at some point, Tribenople Mayor Godfrey "Cheddar Biscuit" Weitzel rewarded him with the coveted Tribenople Key to the City. Many fans wish Naughty Dog had elaborated on this backstory, as it provides a fascinating contrast to the villainous light in which Cortex is usually portrayed. My guess? Cory saved Weitzy's adorable kitty which was stuck up in a tree. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. :)
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