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Temple Ruins
Templeruins1
Crates: 67
Collectibles: 1 Clear Gem

Temple Ruins is the eleventh level of Crash Bandicoot. In this stage, Crashie finds himself blindly stumbling through the darkened corridors of Nativitanian Emperor Wuu's grand palatial palace, located squarely in the center of Nativopolis. Unfortunately, his country was sooooo high, constantly, all the time, that they were too lazy to build very many floors at all. As such, it is very easy to fall and die here, forever. As if this weren't frustrating enough, Dr. Neo Cortex is utilizing the palace's ruins as a hot new nightclub for his most elite minions, including Uncle Cortie's Patented Single-File Bat-tle Units, Asp Holes, and A-Wrath-nids of Cortex.

Emperor Wuu vs. Piracy: The Dead-Guy-on-Abstract-Concept Fight of the Century!Edit

Did you know? The Internet World of Webby allows you to download programs referred to as "emulators", that allow you to play actual real-world video electronic games, in the form of "roms", without having to spend your precious dirty, dirty, cocaine-encrusted United States legal tender on them! This is very illegal, but also, very super-awesome, according to pretty much everyone. Everyone, that is, except for Emperor Wuu.

Emperor Wuu disliked piracy. Throughout his reign, piracy was spreading through his precious New Nativitanian Empire with the bowel-shattering speed and velocity of molasses, frozen into bullet form and fired out of a very powerful handgun, or possibly even a rifle. His loyal followers would see their friends and family and wacky neighbours doing it, and then go ahead and piratize something themselves - like the old saying goes, "pira-see, pira-do". And one day when he was really, really high, he saw mystical visions of the future. He saw a day when piracy would go beyond unlicensed stonecarvings. He saw a day when pirates would grow bored with the shackles of domesticity and set sail on boat ships, their eyepatches and peglegs and hooky-hands and scurvy diagnoses standing as a great big counter-cultural "fuck you" to their boring WASPy mothers. And, most terrifying of all, he saw that the pirates of the world would soon grow tired of this as well, and turn to the most very evil activity of all - unlicensed distribution of mildly amusing entertainments intended for the slightly entertaining amusement of small, stupid children, and particularly unlikeable acne-riddled teenage adolescents. And that, thought Wuu, was simply unacceptable. He had to take his stand against this, somehow. He called upon his faithful buttling manservant, Jeeves, to help him devise a plan.

Ultimately, Jeeves and the Wuuster formulated a plan. They sabotaged the stony rock mechanics of the teleporty platforms that transport visitors from one area of the sparsely-floored palace to another. Thanks to their modifications, there was a small but obnoxious chance that one could not successfully utilize these platforms, if he or she was an awful, terrible, and evil pirate! Instead, the platform would pick up on their aura, realize that they had committed a crime worse than even a double-rape-homicide, and just sort of stutter about, uselessly. That's it. It was yet another terrific half-baked idea of the excellent sort that made his Empire such a massive success, at miserably failing. Good thinking, you sexy, sexy Wuu-man.

(But really, have you tried playing this shit on an emulator? Doesn't fucking work for us, anyway. Curse you, Emperor Wuu!!!)

TriviaEdit

Templeruins2

In this harrowing scene of certain death for our bandicoot acquaintance, Uncle Cortie's Patented Single-File Bat-tle Units attack Crashie with their perfect, unstoppable strategy of flying right past him, several meters above his head.

  • According to some fans, this level gets its name because these are the ruins, of some sort of ancient temple. They could not possibly be more wrong, since this is actually a palace. It is far more likely that the title is actually a sly reference to the odd puzzle featured in this level - a hidden crate bridge, necessary for the Gem, that Crash can only discover by blindly walking off the main pathway - which has, no doubt, inflicted endless pain on many fans' anatomical temples, perhaps even ruining them, because it gives everyone migraines.
  • It is, incidentally, never explained in-game why these crates are invisible until you cruelly stomp on them, though it is possible that said crates are boldly attempting to protect themselves by pretending to be chameleons. You wouldn't stomp on an adorable little chameleon, would you?
  • Considering Non-Executive Producer Dave Siller's undying passion for the ultra-fabulous world of professional bowling, it is also possible that this level's name is an ultra-sly pun on the phrase "ten-pin ruins". Siller the notorious purist hates ten-pin bowling, because it's available to pretty much everyone to play at bowling alleys nationwide. Goddamn commoners invading the world of bowling, the sport of kings, and all that. It is possible he titled this level as such to share his controversial views with the fan community, in an awkwardly indirect, and really quite stupid, manner.

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