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Snow Go
Snowgo1
Crates: 74 (10 in Bonus)
Collectibles: 1 Crystal, 1 Clear Gem, 1 Red Gem

Snow Go is the second level of Super Cortio Strikers. The first snow-and-ice-and-general-coldiocity-themed stage in the series, it is Crashie's first venture into the snowy-and-icy-and-generally-coldiocity-y ruins of the Eskimoslovakian Northwestern Yukon Territories Empire. Once a great and prosperous nation, it eventually met its downfall like all great empires (that's right, I'm talking to YOU, Oh-Bomb-a). Now all that exists to remind Crashie of its former glory are a few still-kinda-sorta-working stone-and-log traps carved out in the frigid cliffside, with the once-thriving Eskimoslovakian populace replaced by the famous Penta Penguin, his generic colleagues the Telleroogi Penguins, and of course the Pretendo Seals of Coldity. Legend has it that the legendary Redd Gemm (named after legendary comedian Redd "Not Demond Wilson" Foxx) is legendarily contained within these hallowed gaping icehalls. The Eskimoslovakians hid it in a secret chasm that, for whatever reason, they could only access via a riverbed in a rival savage tribal nation, for some extremely queer reason, but rumour has it that particularly adept Cheatsy Koopas can access it by fiddling around with an ordinary crate whose only distinguishing characteristic is a lame-ass yellow arrow sticker.

Snowblowing the Eskimoslovakian Northwestern Yukon Territories Empire: Clearing the Pathway to Knowledge and Annoying Our Proverbial Neighbours with an Overly Loud Proverbial Motor in the ProcessEdit

To any visitors to the Wumpa Islands who might be visiting the region for the first, wildly underwhelming time, it would appear that each island has ever only been occupied by one major society. The famous Monsieur Bandicoot's homeland, N. Sanity Island, is dominated by the tribal nation of Tribesanistan, still going strong under the ultra-right-wing leadership of Jerome "Papu Papu" Papupapudopoulos. The uncreatively named second island is still rife with the hunger-inducing remains of the New Nativitan Empire which, may I remind you, was destroyed by the French. And Cortex Island is controlled by a mighty professional scientist not named Dr. N. Gin, Dr. N. Brio, Dr. N. Tropy, Dr. N. Trance, Dr. N. Cortex, Dr. N. Cortex, or Dr. N. Cortex. No, wait, never mind, it is that last one. Ummmmm. What was I trying to say? Oh, right. While at first glance the history of the islands may appear to be relatively simple, upon further investigation one will discover that there's actually a wealth of other surprises tucked in the more obscure locales throughout this Wumparchipelago. Take, for instance, the infamous Eskimoslovakian Northwestern Yukon Territories Empire - a nation that dared to be chilly despite being located within the forboding Oceanian tropics.

The Eskimoslovakians were a simple people with a hundred different words for snow, all of them spelled and pronounced precisely the same. For nearly three hundred years, their nation secretly thrived within icy crevasses riddled with traps fashioned out of stone and log - nefarious traps that only the Eskimoslovakians and, in a quite amazing coincidence, bandicoots are able to successfully escape. They learned to live as one with the ice, by which I mean, survive frostbite. What a fucking delightful life these sons of bitches must have led. I mean, goddamn. Nonetheless, their miserable little colony stubbornly clung to life for nearly three centuries. Negative Nancies all across the globe, or at least the few Negative Nancies across the globe who were even aware of the Eskimoslovakian Northwestern Yukon Territories Empire, all found themselves asking the same pointlessly negative question: what horrible fate would be the downfall of this once-great nation? Their answer came when the human denizens of the ENYTE (side note - when you abbreviate it like that, it sure looks similar to a popular brand of dick pill, doesn't it?) made the foolhardy decision to elect a guy who wasn't a human at all, but rather, a dirty, dirty animal. Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Icky.

BaronVonWalrus

Baron von Walrus's's's official Eskimoslovakian Presidential Portrait. Fun fact: When an Eskimoslovakian takes a picture, he doesn't ask his subject to say "cheese". He asks them to say "freeze"! Ha ha ha! But, seriously, this guy was pretty much responsible for his own people's genocide. Ha ha ha!

Now, let's be fair here. For a walrus, Baron von Walrus was pretty damned smart. He was able to walk and talk, unlike the other animal characters in this series. He even knew how to smoke cigars! Cuban cigars! One could argue that he was more of an intellectual than the humanesque Eskimoslovakians, because he regularly read The New Yorker, whereas his people only read The New Jerseyer, which of course is vastly less literate. And smellier. And almost certainly crooked, too. I don't like New Jersey. Anyway. Barry was a pretty smart guy, but only in the abstractly intellectual sense. That is to say, he knew nothing of actual real-world survival. And, as President, this spelled disaster for the entire country. Like, say, the time he banned starting fires because they were melting holes in the ice. Yes, they were, but without them, everyone would freeze to death! He also tried to impliment the Eskimoslovakian Northwestern Yukon Territories Empire's first traffic light system, right here in this stage. Traffic safety was important, he correctly figured! But it was woefully incomplete. He made the mistake of making it Gem-based, a terrible side-effect of his awful West/East-coast liberal elitism. This floundered miserably because the Empire was only in possession of a Red Gem, but not a Green Gem or even a Yellow Gem. So, everyone just stood still indefinitely, which just hastened their inevitable freeze-to-death-iness. Did I mention that automobiles weren't even invented yet, thus making it very pointless to enforce traffic laws in the first place? I probably should've mentioned that.

So, anyway, all the people died. All of them. Did Barold von Boingboing care? Hells to the no! He was just chillaxing back in the Even-Whiter-Than-the-Other-Houses-Made-of-Snow House, puffing on his Cuban cigars. Despite the fact that he banned fire in his empire! It was the so-called "Zero Hour" sometime in 1483 when Baron Cannon Canyon was interrupted by his head Eskimoslovakian political advisors, Intelligent Advice Ingrid and Do What I Say or Don't, It's Totally Up to You Charlene, who finally delivered the tragic news: thanks to his less-than-effectual Presidenting, all the Eskimoslovakians were now dead. BeeVeeDoubleYew spent a minute looking pensive and regretful of his lackluster performance of his executive duties, before wittily retorting, "Not ALL of them. Yet!" And then he totally pulled out an ice musket and shot both of them between the eyes. Then, he went back to smoking. He was fucking clever. Thankfully, his clever bloodline lives on in the form of Rusty Walrus, the most clever modern character in the Crashie series. Rusty shares many of his great great great great great great great great grandpapa's characteristics, though while Barenaked Wally preferred smoking cigars, Rusty prefers smoking pot. I mean, he prefers smoking things in his pot. In the kitchen. He's a chef, I mean. He likes cooking things, in a variety of ways, including smoking. And broiling! He's not very good at it, though. Truth be told, he was only an affirmative action hire on Little Miss Missile's part. What was I saying? Oh, right. The Baronator gave birth to kids. Via his wife, Emily.

But the sad thing is, Rusty has little to no interest in his family's ancient Presidential history. He's only interested in finding fresh meat for his pot, like all contemporary youths. But that doesn't mean YOU have to be an ignorant walrus, too! Thank you for listening to my brief history of the Eskimoslovakian Northwestern Yukon Territories Empire. Now I can die happy...

TriviaEdit

Snowgo2

Depressed that Tawna left him due to his erectile dysfunction, Crashie decides it's time to solve his problems with sexual inadequacy by asking his doctor about Seal-is.

  • This level's name is a pun on the phrase "no-go", meaning to not function properly, and, as such, not go. Appropriately, this level's colored Gem is red, the internationally accepted color of "stopping", aka "no-going".
  • Some fans stubbornly insist that Penta Penguin didn't make his debut until Make Vroom for Crashie!, but true fans know this isn't the case. We true fans generally estimate that the first Telleroogi penguin in the side-scrolling area is actually a Penta Penguin, and this theory is backed up by loads of indeterminate evidence.
  • When this level was first announced, it caused quite a firestorm with parents all across the nation, who claimed that Naughty Dog was setting a bad example by letting Crash run around in sub-zero temperatures during the winter, something they thought was setting a bad example for their kids. This controversy was short-lived, however, as Naughty Dog correctly pointed out to them that, when it's winter in Australia and, by extension, its minor outlying island neighbours, it's summertime in America, a time when kids certainly could run around half-naked without freezing to death.
  • Most Americans would agree that this level is about seven hundred thousand million times better than Cold Hard Crash, according to a recelt Gallup poll.