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in: Things You Can Put in Your Mouth

Stone Cheese Wheel

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Mickjagger

A variety of Stone Cheese Wheels. Speciality stone cheeses, such as Bandicoot Jack, are especially popular, filling each bite with the unique flavour of Crashie. Conversely, Kangaroo Jack sold terribly, because it was a Jerry Bruckheimer film starring Anthony Anderson, for fuck's sake.

Stone Cheese Wheels are a famous Tribesanistani delicacy. While most international cheeses are made out of milk, cheese in Tribesanistan is traditionally made out of solid stone, a practice that started in the nineteenth century during the reign of President Thomas "Vroom Vroom" Carr, a figure famous for his milk rationing. Though it is decidedly hard to shred, it makes a perfect accompaniment to any meal. Ironically, milk-based cheeses are becoming popular again in Tribesanistan, primarily due to President Jerome "Papu Papu" Papupapudopoulos's recent executive order to move the majority of the nation's stone cheese reserves to his own private vaults. Because he is morbidly obese, you see. A minor kerfuffle ensued when Papu hired some herbal quack to guard the state's stone cheese vaults, but this seems to have since died down, thanks in large part to his policy of executing dissenters. But that's beside the point. Stone cheese is motherfuckin' delicious, kiddiez.

Production[]

In order to make a Stone Cheese Wheel, you need to take a big stone, and carve it into a cheese wheel.

Culinary Uses[]

According to Tribesanistan's favourite celebrity chef, Emerson "Bam Bam" LeGrosse (a terrible parody of Julia Child), stone cheese is delicious in more ways than most Tribesanistanis can count. One of the easiest stone cheese preparations is the traditional grilled stone cheese sandwich, a dish considered perhaps too simple for sophisticated adult palates, but a noted favourite of children and the retardians. In a similar boat is macaroni and stone cheese, a casserole-style dish that most Tribesanistanis outgrow by the time they're ready to ditch their kids' training grass skirts and wear the real-deal, adult version. Conversely, few Tribesanistani children would enjoy a three-egg omelette filled with stone cheese, but many adults love to start their day off right with one. Papu Papu likes to start his day off right with seven of them. Because he is morbidly obese, you see. And, thanks in large part to the ever-increasing proliferation of the Uncle Cortie's Down-Home Old-Fashioned Hamburgers chain of quick "fast food" service restaurantoriums, Tribesanistanis of all ages have come to love topping off their ground bloody cow flesh patties with a slice of stone cheese, a food item which has no direct analogue in Western countries. Truly, stone cheese is a foodstuff capable of pleasing those of all ages and mental capacities.

Perhaps the most purely pure stone cheese dish commonly consumed today is the fabled "magma fondue" - stone cheese superheated to such a degree that it ceased to be stoned at all, but rather, liquided. Most Tribesanistani medical professionals recommend against the consumption of magma fondue, due to the fact that it is sufficiently hot to melt your insides, and also, outsides. And most people need at least one of the two. Despite such warnings from the snobbish liberal medical school elite, magma fondue parties are popular throughout Tribesanistan, especially among morons. To contrast the fondue's extreme heatrocity, treats designed for dipping in magma fondue are typically made from heat-retardant asbestos. Medical professionals also advise against this. Medical professionals aren't held in high esteem in Tribesanistan. Especially by Papu Papu. Because he's morbidly obese, you see.

The true wonder of stone cheese, though, is that it will make anything tasty if you put some on top. Boring potato products? Throw some stone cheese on there, that'll make it better! Ham? You can't make a ham and stone cheese sandwich without stone cheese, it's literally not possible. Celery? Stone cheese defeats its health-foody purpose, in the most deliciously delicious way. Osyters? They're terrible, so just scrape off the stone cheese and enjoy that a la carte. Lemons? If life gives you lemons, the proverb says, make stoney cheesey lemonade! Raw chocolate-dipped bandicoot? Why not add some stone cheese, too! Unnecessarily long lists? Stone cheese it up, man! Cheesecake? Why not make it a Wisconsin-style six cheese cake! Kathy Bates? I'd actually do her, if she were covered in stone cheese! Wumpa Fruit? DON'T YOU DARE TAINT THE POWER OF WUMP WITH YOUR TERRIBLE NOT-WUMP FOOD. Ughhh. Why do you people have to ruin things for everyone else?

Critical Reception and Legacy[]

Stone Cheese Wheels have been positively received by professional stone cheese critics. Most other people who have eaten stone cheese have very fond memories of it, too. These general public folk also tend to have very fond memories of their teeth, which were obviously broken in the process of gnawing on stone. However, these teeth haven't been as positively received by the professional stone cheese critical establishment, who contend that teeth aren't stone cheese and therefore aren't of interest to them.

Trivia[]

Spindel

Assorted Spindels of various shapes and colours, from the Mario series. They're extremely creative enemies. When Nintendo was making them, they must've been on a spin! ...wait, wait, roll! Goddammit, I MEANT ROLL! I want a do-over!

  • As the flagship item of the Crashie series, Stone Cheese Wheels even made an appearance, in non-wheel-based form, in Squaresoft's rival Final Fantasy series - namely, in Final Fantasy XI. (The game was an MMORPG - "XI" stands for "Xtreme Internet edition".) This is actually a leftover from a period in time wherein Squeersoft was attempting to develop a Crashie MMORPG. For full details, please consult our article for the level Rolling Stones, which is so informative, I swear, it's sexually provocative!
  • According to some fans, Stone Cheese Wheels are blatant rip-offs of Nintendo's rival Mario series, and their famous Spindel enemies, from Super Mario Bros. Minus One of the Mario Bros. but Still Featuring the One That Actually Matters, in Polygon Form, 64. To this day, fans continue to argue about which enemy is stronger. Nonetheless, Activision continues to ignore fan pleas to finally settle this debate once and for all by developing Mario and Crash at the Olympic Games, primarily because Mario already did something very similar with some sort of blue fairy or something, I dunno. Anyway, that still sounds like a cool idea for a game, right? Please back me up on this.
  • If Crashie stands under a rolling Stone Cheese Wheel, sometimes he will get shorter, to the point of being borderline flat, for no apparent reason. Most fans agree that this is a glitch, and assume it will be fixed in the upcoming 2010 remake.
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