The Crashie Bandicoot Wiki
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Why is this picture's filename in Russian? Insert edgy topical joke here!

Crash Bandicoot is the titular character of the Willy the Wombat series. He used to just be some guy, until some guy turned him into an even worse guy. As the series' main protagonist who appears in every game, Crash is an extremely interesting uninteresting character with a strong personality stupid-looking grin.

Once considered one of the biggest up-and-coming stars in videos gaming, Crash's career became mired in scandal around the mid-2000s. Namely, people thought his games sucked ass. After nearly a decade out of the spotlight, people suddenly realized that ALL games sucked ass, actually. Thus, he was allowed to return to polite society, albeit on a provisional basis. One mistake, though, and he'll get sucked right back up Bobby Kotick's ass!

Early Life[]

Originally named William the Wombat, he was once a perfectly ordinary bandicoot, who was a wombat. He might've also been a potoroo, according to my girlfriend, but these reports are unconfirmed. Crash/Willy lived on scenic N. Sanity Island, where he spent his days doing boring animal shit. You know, like foraging for Wumpa Fruit, pissing all over everything (and everyone), and sleeping. Lots and lots of sleeping. No mating though, because our good boy Crashie was still a virgin. :)

Career[]

Evolvo-Raking in the Dough (1996)[]

The turning point for Crash came in the seminal PlayStation title, Willy the Wombat. The evil Dr. Neo Cortex snatched that cute li'l critter out of the wild and used the Evolvo-Ray to turn him into a violent, shirtless lunatic. Literally everyone thought this change was for the better, especially Crashie's new girlfriend, Tawna. Unfortunately, Cortex got hungry and shoved Crash into the microwave, forgetting all about the metal plate in Crash's head. This caused a huge explosion, and Crash managed to escape in the confusion. He ran right out the window, even as Cortex announced his intent to just microwave Crash's girlfriend instead. What a little shit!

Eventually, Crash washed up on N. Sanity Beach, following a week-long coke-and-prostitute binge with Mark Cerny. Our boy Crashie wasn't a virgin anymore! This gave him the perspective to realize he should go save Tawna, since he might be able to have sex with her too. He fought his way across the entirety of the Three Islands, which seems really impractical. He should've just rented a boat and went right to Cortex Castle. Fuckin' idiot. Still, Crash eventually managed to defeat Cortex and save his girlfriend, who was mostly fine, since Cortex's microwave was a piece of shit that he made himself.

Personal Tragedy, and Triumph (1997-1999)[]

Due to his continued association with Cerny, Crash's casual cocaine usage turned into full-blown addiction. As a result, Crash's behavior became erratic. But, like, in a different way than usual. A BAD WAY. Everything came to a head during a heated argument when, quite tragically, Crash struck Tawna with his signature Spin Attack, shattering her trust in him... like a crate. Even though Crash underwent court-ordered rehab and apologized extensively for his actions on the daytime talk show circuit, Tawna decided she couldn't stay. In the middle of the night, she left him to be with the famously stable and nonviolent Pinstripe Potoroo, according to my girlfriend. (She's Japanese.)

Though the loss of his lost love scarred Crash deeply, he channeled this pain into the finest work of his career. In Willy the Wombat 2: Cortex Strikes Back, he challenged gamers' perceptions with the inclusion of snow levels, a feature never before seen in any video game ever. He followed that up with Willy the Wombat 3: WARPED, which ditched the simple islandfolk for new and innovative ethnic groups to be racist against. This was widely considered to be his magnum opus, so Crash took a victory lap (pun) by releasing a shitty version of Mario Kart for kids whose parents couldn't afford an N64. Along the way, Crash also stopped Cortex a couple more times, as well as a rotting haggis from outer space. But he didn't care about that stuff. Crash was just in it for the critical acclaim.

Who's Developing These Games? Not Me, Dawg (2000-2003)[]

Crash was riding high again, which obviously meant he had to be knocked down a peg. Again. One day, Crashie's agent called him into his office with some awful news. Naughty Dog, the brilliant minds behind all of Crash's adventures, felt they had done all they could do with a fun, expressive character like him, so they announced a brand-new game starring a boring teenage boy and his ottsel-shaped cock sleeve instead. Crash was distraught, but his agent promised they could get someone almost as good for his next outing.

This same situation played out several more times over the coming years. "Sure, Willy Bash didn't do very well, but the guys who made Sonic 3D Blast will know what to do!" "Okay, maybe Cortex Wraths Back was slightly derivative, but there's some new guys with vicarious visions of your future. Zingo!" "Look here, pal. Willy Nitro Kart really wasn't that bad at all, and if you don't stop talkin' shit about it, I'm gonna sacrifice your scrawny little bandicoot/wombat ass to Satan herself." Each time, Crash left with new hope for his future. And yet, time and time again, his heart was broken. Like a crate.

As a result of his career turmoil, Crash once again turned to the world of drugs. Unfortunately, without Mark Cerny around to serve as a positive role model, things got even worse this time. Crash started doing heroin, and he became a bottom. Both of these factors contributed to his decreased capacity to do the hilarious physical comedy that the Willy the Wombat series was once known for. When Crash saw that Tiny freakin' Tiger, of all people, had become the breakout star of Nitro Kart, it pushed him too far. On Christmas morning, 2003, Crash Bandicoot was found dead, at seven years old... of a heroin overdose.

Comedy Is the Lowest Form of Art (2004-2008)[]

Fortunately, Crash got better. With a renewed lust for life, he vowed to clean up his act and get back to his comedy roots. His next title, Willy Twinsanity, featured a far heavier emphasis on random larfs, at the expense of literally everything else. Gameplay, graphics, story, voice acting. EVERYTHING. Despite being a critical and commercial bomb, the game had an extremely dedicated fanbase of disgusting internet goblins. He followed it up with his worst fucking kart racer to date, which was a smash hit among people who just now discovered that "Uranus" sounds like "your anus". (And if you weren't already aware, YOU'RE WELCOME.)

Sales were dwindling, and it was clear that something had to give. But Crash was fully committed to comedy by this point. He had gotten into improv and become a spiky-haired douche, just like his idol, Drew Carey. Crash also got some totally hip, cultural-appropriation-tastic tribal tattoos, which Drew admittedly did not have the guts to do. Pressured into rebooting the franchise, Crash decided to incorporate these elements, as well as another new hobby that Carey taught him: jackin' it. Unsurprisingly, Willy of the Titans and Willy: Wind Over Wombat did little to save the series from its inevitable decline. In fact, some might say that they hastened its decline. But that would be mean. :(

Hiat-ASS (2009-2016)[]

Following an unprecedented series of flops, Crash's career hit a dead-end. At his totally non-controversial new publisher's suggestion, Crash took an extended mental health break, largely staying out of the limelight. He lent his likeness to the occasional shitty mobile game, appeared as a guest character in Skylanders: I'm a Grown-Ass Adult So I Don't Know What the Fuck Skylanders Is, and was awkwardly dragged on-stage against his will for an episode of Drew Carey's N. Prov-a-Ganza. But, like, that's it. Mostly he just kept to himself and found inner peace, at last.

...wait, didn't I say something else at the beginning of the article? Oh yeah, that's right! Bobby Kotick sucked Crash up inside his asshole in a fit of corporate rage! Forget everything I said a minute ago, this is what REALLY happened.

The Death March of Nostalgia (2017-2020)[]

The world thought they had seen the last of Crash Bandicoot, and to be honest, so did Crash. Little did he know that he was about to become a victim of a little thing called un-cancel culture. Suddenly, the world's creators realized they had used up every last original idea in the entire universe, so they collectively agreed to only make endless remakes and reboots for the rest of time. As a pre-existing character, this was good news for Crashie-kins!

In an amazing reversal of fortune, Crash won his way back into the public's hearts and minds and butts, by spoon-feeding them familiar-tasting mush. He commemorated the series' twenty......first anniversary with the much-heralded Willy the Wombat N. Sane Trilogy, featuring remakes of games that were already hideously outdated two decades ago. This was followed by a remake of WTR, enhanced with ultra-modern features like long load times and laughably amateurish netcode and completely unnecessary microtransactions.

Looking back on his earliest successes made Crash remember what used to be important to him. After Tawna's contractually obligated appearances in the remakes, which she filmed in a separate room, Crash decided to track her down for real in the hope of rekindling their relationship. Unfortunately, he just ended up taking an entire bottle of pepper spray to the face. (She just threw it, so he was fine.) Then, he tried getting back together with Ami, but she's got a kid now, sooo... yyyeah. Clearly, this left him with only one option: tracking down an alternate-universe version of Tawna who might be more receptive to making the bandy-pandy with him. But she ended up being - get a load of this - a LESBIAN! Can you believe that? Oh, lordy!

The last of these struggles was ultimately chronicled in 2020's Willy the Wombat 4: It's About Time to Stop the Stupid Willy the Wombat Joke, Crash's first brand-new console game in twelve years. He desperately hoped audiences would sympathize with his tragic tale of the girl who only liked him as an alternate-universe friend. But instead, like all the best mockumentaries, the cameras caught something else lurking just beneath the surface: truly N. Sane amounts of homoerotic tension between Crash and Cortex. This all culminated in the final level, The Past Unmasked, where they removed their masks and shared a forbidden kiss, with tongue, in direct defiance of strict social-distancing measures.

More Trouble Ahead (2021-Present)[]

Crash was riding high again. Again. So, um, you know that's bad news. In 2021, Crash's sordid past finally caught up with him. Just, all of the horrible things he's done, truly atrocious acts, that I won't bother to explain or substantiate at all. It's all too vile for even this wiki, where we freely say shit like hell and damn. You should probably Google it though. Just type in "Crash Bandicoot" plus all of the most disgusting words and phrases you can think of, and see what happens.

As a result of these unspecified deeds that literally everybody knows but you, Crash had become a victim of un-un-cancel culture, a fate truly worse than death. At first, Crash just tried to deny everything. "WOAH," he said, while shaking his head vigorously. But then the cops found all the evidence, LOADS of it, EVERYWHERE, and put out an arrest warrant. All out of options, Crash was forced to go on the run, where he remains to this day.

Though Crash sightings have been reported all across Oceania, none of them have been substantiated. Intelligence officials report that he's been visiting North Korea too, but that's probably nothing. Ultimately, only time will tell what comes next for our hero Crash Bandicoot, who was once a very good boy. :)

Trivia[]

  • Crash's name is almost certainly a reference to the crash (also known as a comedown) that one experiences after using stimulants such as cocaine. This is appropriate, since his beloved sister also has a cocaine-themed name.
    • Meanwhile, the "Bandicoot" part is obviously because he's a wombat-aroo. Duh.
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