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Coco

She's wearing PLATFORM SHOES because the Crash games are PLATFORMERS, you see. (Also, because she's short as fuck.)

Coco Bandicoot is Crashie's little sister, or something. Apparently Cortex, the most famous good guy of all, refused to split up the family, so he kept them together and mutated them. Separately. Makes sense!

Unlike her brother, who has the functioning IQ of a Dorito (and he looks like one too), Coco is super-brainy and stuff. Like, she even owns a computer. How many bandicoots do YOU know that can operate computers? Yeah, that's what I thought!

Early Life[]

Like Crash, Coco was once a perfectly ordinary bandicoot. That is, until Cortex plucked her from obscurity and made her a STAR. The details of their arrangement were a complete mystery until Flash Backicoot 4: It's About Tapes, released a full 23 years after her first appearance. As it turns out, that asshole Cortex mutated her with the Evolvo-Ray for the sole purpose of making her do bastard-hard side-scrolling platforming challenges. No wonder she spends all day looking at really extreme pornography, right in front of her brother and their mentor!

Career[]

Rags to Riches (1997-1999)[]

When Coco first joined the series, no one wanted her there. She was just a replacement for Tawna, who left due to "creative differences", and she was wearing really ugly overalls, which made her look like a total dork. As a result, she was limited to a talking head role in Kotex Tampons Strike Back, blandly warning her brother that Kotex was not to be trusted. This later led to a huge tampon recall in 2018, but that's a story to unravel another day.

Despite her small role, Coco was warmly received. And so, when Crash stubbornly refused to work with Pura and Jennifer Trader, the director threw her in as a last-minute replacement during the racism and piracy-themed stages of Crashie Commits Warp Crimes. It was so last-minute, in fact, that Coco didn't have time to learn her lines, or record any dialogue at all. But nobody cares what women say anyway! Am I right? No? Okay then, sorry.

Coco's big break came when Naughty Dog decided to make a painstakingly realistic driving simulator. They knew they needed a diverse set of lovable mascot characters to compete with Nintendo's Grand Marismo series, which led that naughtiest of dogs to consider breaking the ULTIMATE TABOO: making a female character fully playable. She was basically Princess Peach, except she was fuckin' annoying like Daisy. Go figure.

The Search for a Personality (2000-2003)[]

Following another roster-filling appearance in Crash Bashdicoot: The Bashening, Coco was ready for the big leagues. She wanted to try some real platforming, like all the biggest video game stars. But Universal had their doubts that people would find her relatable enough to be a lead, since she just spends all her time on the computer. Nobody uses computers anymore, they said. Especially not videos gamer! Reluctantly, Coco promised to do whatever it takes to make herself interesting, no matter the cost to her dignity or the dignity of others.

For the next title, The Wrath of Kotex Tampons, Coco suddenly developed an interest in "Hong Kong martial arts films" and insisted on making everyone watch her sick karate moves. All the guys thought it seemed really fake, but they wanted to bone her, so they pretended it was cool. But by Crash Nitro Fart (lol), she had moved onto new hobby of saying cringeworthy early-2000s internet slang, out loud, read by a voice actress who was likely already well into her 40s at the time. The less said about this, the better.

Crop Tops and Career Drops (2004-2006)[]

Despite Coco's best efforts, she was sinking back into obscurity within her own brother's series. Her agent suggested showing a little more skin to get some attention in this sex-obsessed era, so she started wearing crop tops and tight jeans everywhere. But this didn't make much of a difference, since she had also become a weird bug-eyed freak.

During this period, Coco was relegated to support roles once more. In Crash Twinanity, she got kidnapped so Cortex could try on her sexy new clothes. And then, when she tried to be useful later on, she just got paralyzed. Isn't this a wonderful game? Rumor has it that Traveller's Tales was planning on including a level set inside Coco's head, but it tragically got cut. Looks like they drilled those massive electrodes into her skull for no reason! Oops! This could explain her massive personality shift in Crash Whoomp! (There It Is) Racing. But it doesn't explain anyone else's massive personality shifts in that game, so never mind.

Butter Off Dead (2007-2008)[]

In Crash of the Tennessee Titans, Coco was once again the damsel in distress. Aren't you glad they replaced Tawna with a more proactive female character? Coco was brainwashed by Nina Cortex, who forced her to build a robotic doominatrix for her beloved Uncle Cortie. I think. But Coco's true passion in this game was finding a way to recycle butter. Fucking BUTTER. Is this seriously a game that human beings played, and liked, for reals?

Things were looking bad, but Coco got one last shot at late-2000s glory in Crash: Eggs Over Easy. She was playable in the co-op mode of the Xbox 360 and Wii versions, a delightful treat for the three remaining people on Earth who still have real-life friends. But, as a final fuck you to Sony, Coco was NOT playable in the PS2 version, where she was replaced by some sort of fake Fake Crash. Either way, she was still present in the single-player story mode, where she kept harping on the butter thing. Really? REALLY? Ughhh. I'm glad the Earth is rapidly accelerating towards yet another mass extinction.

Trivia[]

  • Coco's name is almost certainly a reference to cocaine, the fan-favorite (and Mark Cerny-favorite) drug that makes your nose burn/bleed OH SO GOOD. This is appropriate, since her beloved brother also has a blatantly cocaine-themed name.
  • Ironically, during the infamous Tonight Show debacle of 2010, Coco was one of the few celebrities who didn't side with "Team Coco". Have you heard about this? Have you seen this? Apparently, she says Crash fills all of her "hyperactive red-headed freak" needs already!
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