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Boulder Dash

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Boulder Dash
Boulderdash1
Crates: 35 (10 on Purple Gem Route)
Collectibles: 1 Clear Gem

Boulder Dash is the thirteenth level in Crash Bandicoot. Having successfully survived the entire length of Ancient New Nativitanian Interstate I-420 (goddamn fucking hippies), Crashie finds himself in unnervingly familiar surroundings. This looks a lot like the famous set-piece from the cinematic classic, Indiana Jones and the Big Fucking Boulder 2: Electric Boogaloo...

...and it's no wonder, for this area is located on the outskirts of the Tribesanistani exclave of Tribenople! For, in eighteen-hundred and ninety-two, Tribesanistan's own Benjamin "Waka Laka" Hysham sailed the ocean blue, and discovered Wumpa Island for the very first time ever and ever! Now, it's Tribesanistan's most vital overseas outpost, so very vital that they have even moved some of their cheap motion picture knockoff facilities here. This is fortunate for Naughty Dog, as they otherwise would have had to come up with something original.

The Mysterious Mystery of the Purple Gem Route 3D: Canonical Fangirl Explanation Theatre![]

At the end of the Purple Gem Route, one can see that Dr. Neo Cortex and Dr. Nitrus Brio have carved their heads on the stone walls, much as real-world lovers do. But is that what it really means? To find out, I had to do a little digging, and mayhap inappropriate prodding, to find the perfect source. And find the perfect source indeed I did by indeedies! I now present to you a startling fanfictional exposé, written exclusively for the Crashie Wiki by the fandom's foremost love maven, Jennifer "crashgurl4528686" Morduckery.

doctor neo marie cortex looked acrost the labratorry. he was a hansome and atracktive man, with a n on his forheads. "the evolvora, it is compleat!" he cryed, for the evolvora was now compleat
"t-t-this i-i-is m-m-most e-e-excellent" studdred doctor nightrus morduckery brio. he was also a hansome and atracktive man with hot and sexy percing bolts in his heads. "n-n-now l-l-let's c-c-celebrate!"
"i propose a vacashun to wumpa land boulder divishon" screamed cortex
"o-o-ok l-l-let's g-g-go" replyed brio intrestingly
TWO DAYS LATER IN WUMPA LAND BOULDER DIVISHON
"w-w-wow, d-d-doctor n-n-neo c-c-cortex! h-h-how d-d-did y-y-you e-e-ever f-f-find s-s-such a-a-a w-w-wickid a-a-awsome c-c-cave?" asked nightrous
"i am a profesnal sintist. i always have to know about dark scarey and evil places! while we are here tho i do have something i have always wanted to tell you," said neo
"w-w-what?" asked brio. he was nearvus.
"i do not know how to say this, nightrus, but..................................................i am in gay love with you!" cortex cryed out.
"w-w-what a-a-a c-c-cowincedense, i-i-i a-a-also g-g-gay l-l-love y-y-you!" brio stamored. he did not hesitait any longer. "d-d-drink t-t-this" said nightrouse.
cortex drinked the beeker drink and was shoked to see his close dissapeer. brio also drinked a close dissapper beeker but then he also drinked a double beeker that turned him into two nightroust brios. "s-s-sex t-t-time" they said. both brios put their peniss inside cortex. they shot some spearm or something, i don't know. "o-o-oh g-g-god y-y-yes, s-s-sex!" cryed brio.
afterwords they would be in love forever. cortex and the two brios craved there heads into the walls. then they moveded to massachoosits utaw so they could legaly engaje in poli-gay-mie. they did sex many more times forever. spearm.
THE ENDS

I see no reason at all to doubt crashgurl4528686's brilliant bit of prose. Then again, I don't understand how these sex things work. I'd have to investigate first.

.....I'll never be allowed to investigate.....

Trivia[]

Boulderdash2

"Boulder Dash"? More like..."Boulder Dot-Dot-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dot-Dot-Dot"! Ha ha ha! This is funny, because that's Morse Code for "SOS"! Crash is suffering a potentially mortal maritime disaster and could lose his life! This is comical!

  • This level's name is totally a sly reference to the popular and famous 2004 PAX game show, Balderdash. Yes. Really. Naughty Dog totally loved future-PAX. Honest.
  • Alternately, it might be a reference to the classic 1984 video game, Boulder Dash, which involved pointless and tedious Gem collection. Exactly like Crashiedore 64! The game's protagonist was named Rockford, even though he looked nothing like Jim Garner. According to most hardcore Garnies, this sucked.
  • Interestingly, a popular wooden roller coaster would later be named after this stage, built in 2000 and located at Bristol, Connecticut's famous Lake Compounce, New England's Family Theme Park! It remains one of the most popular wooden coasters in the world to this day, as fans from around the world long to be reminded of the glory days of the Crash Bandicoot franchise. Because it is made out of wood, it is shitty and archaic. Exactly like Crashiedore 128!
  • Weirdly enough, the boulder in this stage automatically jumps over every single crate in this level, meaning that Crashiedore CBM-II can't rely on it to murder the crates he missed. This is weird because most real-world boulders don't possess the ability to randomly jump of their own free will. According to fans, the only possible explanation for this was that the boulders in this stage are not actually boulders at all, but rather, the very spirit of Emperor Wuu himself, attempting to strike back against the Tribesmen for taking over his kingdom. He was transformed into a stone boulder in the afterlife, you see, because God thought it was a clever and witty pun. From this perspective, atheism makes sense.
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